Call Me Free

Sorrow is too mainstream

Posted on July 29, 2013     26 Comments

I’ve wrote many post about that we should “be free to be ourselves” ,”depend on ourselves”, “be our own best friend” and so on. This is because I never had a choice. I’ve taken care of all people who crossed my way since I can remember. I’ve taken care of myself since I was 11, because due to certain situations I didn’t have the heart to be a burden to my family. I love the individuals in my family of all my heart, but the family itself, not so much. I’ve fled and kept to myself. With years I became a really introvert and bitter person. God knows though how I’ve tired to break free, break free from the sorrow and pain. I really got a meltdown this winter and just lost myself. My way of thinking and acting was so unlike me. I’m this person who never gives up and always find ways and projects to lose my problems in. This time I just gave up, I didn’t want to act like things would get better, all my life I’ve tired to make things better, but they just didn’t. I had lost my fire. Without my drive I’m nothing, because that is me. All years of loneliness washed over me like an ice cold wave, all years of meaningless trying fell upon me like a mountain and I didn’t have the strength to stand against it. But after months of meaningless self-pity and hopelessness you come to a point where you have 2 choices:

• 1. Kill yourself
• 2. Find I way

Guess what I chose? Can you guess?..Yes you’re right, I’m still alive. I chose nr 2, I didn’t like the alternative. So what did I do? Well my passion and drive have always been music but by then I was trapped in fear and had this love hate attitude towards it. So I needed another goal. Something to put all my focus on. So I picked out a picture on a fit woman and decided that if I can’t take control of my mind right now, at least I’ll take control of my body. I started to eat and workout very disciplined. In 3 months I was supposed to go on holidays to Rhodes so that got to be my schedule. I lost 4% bodyfat and got tighten up, which where my goal. This project was my savior. When I so concrete saw the result of my inner strength on my body I felt so empowered. But of course, ironically, when I returned from Rhodes a new big sorrow was at the door. Once again I felt that several really close persons to me depended on me. And inside my whole being screams stop! Why do I have to take care of your happiness when I’ve built my own. Why do I have to take care of you when no-one token care of me. Stop using me! Stop demanding so much of me, I too have problems! Stop steal the happiness I’ve worked so hard for.

Swedish: Sluta aldrig brinna :Never lose your fire

A bad trait of mine is that I can have tendencies to look down on people. Not on they as being, not because of their problems. No, I look down on the way people handle their problems. Cuz I feel that I’ve always taken responsibility for my life and I can’t understand people who let their happiness depend on others. Okey that’s not true, I can understand it but I have problems accepting it. Because I care, but when I can’t help, I feel frustrated. And I’ve realized that everybody is burden with some kind of sorrow. So no-one have time or strength with yours. Well therapist have, use them, they get paid listening to you. I don’t mean that we should hide our sorrows, it’s important to be true to your feelings and let your self feel what you feel. I just say that there is simple to much pain, trouble and sorrow in this world so If you let yourself, you could cry for the rest of your life. I don’t want to be that person people don’t want to hang out with because they know how sad I am. I don’t want people to be forced to take care of me every time I get little drunk. I don’t know about you but I’ll be honest and embrace my pain but chose happiness, sorrow is too mainstream. I’ll smile, there’s simply too much to cry about.